Cell Phone Rules

What follows is a simple, timely and important set of instructions and rules for you to follow as you use your cell phone. You may believe some of these rules to be sort of basic, but, believe me, there are those of you who will read them and say "DANG! I gotter stop doin' thet?".

Rule #1: NEVER place your phone in a microwave oven as it will cause the battery to explode. I realize this will seriously cramp your style because it's so wonderful to toss your phone and your popcorn in the microwave together… cause when you are munching nice, hot, buttery popcorn and holding a nice, warm phone to your ear, heaven seems very close indeed.

Rule # 2: Make sure no sharp-edged items--such as animal's teeth, razor wire or eagle's talons--come into contact with the battery. There is a risk of this causing a fire.

Rule #3: When you are taking a very long bath, remember that it is inadvisable to talk on your cell phone while it is plugged into the wall charging unit. You may drop it into the water and risk electrocution. It should be noted however that many of the people in this audience may not have to worry much about this rule--I am thinking that quite a few of you don't take, shall we say, "extended baths". In fact, why the heck don't you take a quick shower right now?

Rule #4: Do NOT Manually Disassemble Your Phone. Do not disassemble the phone with a hammer. Do not disassemble the phone with a rock. Do not ask your pet spider monkey to disassemble the phone. If you DO disassemble the phone because you want to find the little woman in there who tells you how many voicemails you haven't listened to, you WON'T be able to get it un-disassembled, you dummy, so DON'T DO IT!!

Rule #5: Do not drop, shake or strike your phone severely. This may cause a loss of proper function. Allow me to explain this a bit further... what this rule means is DON'T TRY TO HURT OR PUNISH YOUR PHONE. The phone isn't to blame that your boss called and fired you or your girlfriend just rang up to tell you that (ONLY because of you) she is now a lesbian and to erase her number from your contact list. If you SMACK, SPANK, KICK, THROW or otherwise EXPRESS DISPLEASURE in these ways, your phone will NOT be able to fix the problems in your life. In fact, you will probably have to also buy a new phone--or concoct a very improbably elaborate lie to tell the cell phone warranty folks so you can have them give you a new one for free.

Rule #6: DO NOT use your cell phone in high explosive areas as the phone may generate sparks. Of course, I doubt you have followed the instructions up to this point with absolute integrity. Because of this, your phone is likely to be cracked, leaking battery juices and probably has some frayed wires and fractured circuit boards. I'll be surprised if your phone isn't smoking and sparking just sitting there on top of your crumpled-up Super Cheesy Doritos bag. Anyway, most of you would likely only come into a "high explosive area" by stealth. You certainly wouldn't have the kind of job where you'd be in an area like this legitimately. Therefore, I don't really care if you use your phone in there or not. I think you probably deserve to be blown across the state and end up wrapped around a telephone pole anyway. So, knock yourself out!

So, that's about it. If you'll observe these few important rules, you'll find that you and your cell phone will be happy for at least a few more days--until you fall asleep on the toilet and drop it down between your legs. Then, of course, although YOU would be ok with just drying it off and moving on with life, your phone will not have left any will to live. And who could blame it? Your shit stinks.